Top 9 Ways for a Russian-American in NYC to deal with Ebola, mentally and physically

When speaking about Ebola, always put “Za” before Ebola to say ZaEbola.  This variation on the Ebola will now sound like a Russian curse word which means “annoyed the f.ck out of “.  Now you will be less stressed about Ebola as you will realize that you just annoyed by it and fatigued by the paranoia around it.

See Madam Bella or any other Russian psychic on Brighton Beach who will tell you for a reasonable sum which bowling alleys, trains and restaurants to avoid that were frequented by American doctors returning from trips to Ebola effected regions in West Africa.

Buy Valerianka in any Brighton Beach pharmacy or get from any Russian Babushka.  Валерианка also known as Valerian Drops is over the counter medicine adored and used by generations of Russians as a sedative and to treat insomnia.  Just pop a few drops before going to bed and have Ebola-free dreams of beautiful Russian girls or Putin, whatever tickles your fancy.

While in a Russian pharmacy, also get a bottle of Zелёнка.  This traditional Russian medicine, called Brilliant Green (dye) is a cure-all for all infections.  Just apply it generously to your skin to look like the Incredible Hulk and you will derive two benefits:  a.  The dye will ward you from any infection  b.  the look of your bright green skin will guarantee that no one will come anywhere close to you for any physical intimacy or even a handshake, thus preventing the spread of Ebola or any other germ to you.

In lieu of Zelenka make your remedy less obvious but just as potent by wearing raw garlic beads around your neck.  In Russia, many people believe that garlic’s compounds kill diseases — even viruses.  The strong smell will also make sure people will stay a mile away from you, rendering you Ebola free and giving you plenty of elbow space on the train.

When entering anyone’s home, adhere strictly to the Russian custom of making sure you change out of your shoes and into the host provided Tapochki (slippers), no matter how smelly they are.  It is worth it to prevent the spread of any Ebola germs you picked up by your feet on the dirty streets of New York into another’s home.

Realize that your and your ancestors’ excessive vodka intake throughout the years has made your body immune to the spread of Ebola.  Your thoroughly saturated by vodka body is now full of Ethanol which automatically acts as a disinfectant.

Dig up and watch your crazy aunt’s Kashpirovsky tapes.  This Russian healer lionized by millions in the 90s will hypnotize you that everything will be alright and pass the healing energy from the TV set into your Ebola stricken body and mind, curing it immediately.

If all these mind altering and Ebola preventing techniques fail- move to Russia as there is no Ebola there as of yet!